Bourgeoisie Brined Mushrooms & the Chaos of Colitis (and Horses)

By Dave, Pickle Packager & Punny Sidekick at Eat the Rich Pickled

Hello comrades and condiment connoisseurs,

Dave here — co-conspirator, professional label-sticker, and slicer-of-things at Eat the Rich Pickled. I may not be the brains of the operation (that title belongs to my lovely lover, the CEO and fearless fermentress), but I do know a thing or two about mushrooms, mildly dangerous wildlife encounters, and how to use a tape measure… most of the time.

First, the big news: our Bourgeoisie Brined Mushrooms have been Cornell-approved! The elite academic brine barons gave it a nod, and now we’re just waiting on the paperwork before we start stuffing jars with vinegary revolution. Yes, it’s real. Yes, it’s delicious. Yes, it tastes like the downfall of late-stage capitalism, but with a nice umami finish - can we say red wine vinegar and baby bellas?

While we were riding high on mushroom approval, the universe, in its infinite sass, hit the CEO — my lovely lover — with a colitis flare just as she was preparing to build out our glorious pantry. She had the table saw, the lumber, and the vision... but her body clocked out faster than an intern at 4:59 PM. So, instead of a sawdust-filled weekend, she was sidelined with electrolytes and heating pads while I ran interference.

Naturally, I did what any supportive partner would do during a health crisis: I went to the beach without her.....

In my defense, it was Assateague Island, and I was on a mission. There were wild horses, salty breezes, and more ill-advised tourist behavior than a warning label could cover. At one point, I watched a guy attempt to selfie with a stallion. Spoiler: the horse did not consent, and Darwin nearly made an appearance.

Back on the homestead, construction paused, but hope is not lost. In six short days, school’s out, and this science teacher-turned-pickler (aka CEO) will be back in full briny glory. The pantry will rise. The mushrooms will multiply. And the asparagus? It will be speared.

So hang tight. Support the revolution. Preorder your jars. Buy a shirt. Tell capitalism to get bent.

In vinegar and vengeance,

Dave

Chief Pickle Packager & Horsewatcher ExtraordinaireEat the Rich Pickled 🥒🧠🔥

P.S. Seriously, don’t pet the wild horses. Just buy pickles.